I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
