Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You ate ashes out of my bong
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
