There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
