he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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