If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
