my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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