I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
