if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
