Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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