i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
