I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
