I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
