Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
