I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
