I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
