I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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