my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
