I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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