You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
