i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
