I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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