Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
