I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
