i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
