I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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