I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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