Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
