Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
