I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
