my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
