I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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