Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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