ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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