just come out here and I will go home with you...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
