im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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