There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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