I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
