I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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