Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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