this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
