I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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