I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Buhtt sex?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
