and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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