i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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