No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
