you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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