NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
