I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
