that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
