i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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