we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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